Olori Ayo Yemisi Jayeola is the Founder and Missioner, God’s Wives International and Serendipity House, a widow support ministry. A widow herself, she’s been supporting widows long before she lost her husband 10 years ago. In this interview with Assistant Editor, CHINWE MADUAGWU, she gives an insight into the life of a widow and says,it’s terrible to be a widow in Nigeria.
TNE: What led you to found the Ministry?
I was still married when we founded the Ministry. It was our passion. My husband loved taking care of the needy so when we started, we decided to give 25 per cent of all our income to the needy especially the widows and fatherless children. We started with 28 widows 22 years ago. He did it with me for 12 years before he died and I continued. Now we are about 8, 900 and apart from Nigeria, we are in Ghana and Cotonou. After my husband’s death 10 years ago, I continued with the Foundation. If I hadn’t continued with widows, I would have passed on too because as a widow you need to be around more of widows like you and that’s what I’m enjoying now full time.
TNE: Why do say as a widow you needed to be around other widows?
Because they are like me, they think like me, we feel the same way, we live the same way, we cry many times. We need community and I built a community around me. A community of widows and it’s fantastic. I can’t go around following people that are married because we have been severed by situation. A widow needs to allow the married to be with themselves and she needs to be with people who understand her emotions.
TNE: Are you saying a widow and a still married woman can not be friends?
They can be friends but it won’t be a very lovely relationship, it would never be because they don’t know what the widow is going through. You need to be with people who know what you are going through; cry together and laugh together, share your experiences. You can’t share an experience with a married woman, you can’t.
TNE: Besides having who to cry with, don’t you think the widow also needs somebody on the other side too who can help to cheer her up?
They can only cheer, but they do not know the experience. That’s the only difference. They can’t advice her because they are not in it. I used to be a marriage counselor with my husband, the day he died I stopped the marriage ministry because if somebody comes to me and says this is happening between her and her husband, what would I tell her? I stopped that. I need to deal with the situation I can handle. That’s why I’m with the widows permanently.
TNE: So how large is your organisation since you have been around for a while?
Well, since inception I have records that we have touched 10, 000 lives in 22 years. We have the record of all the years. We’ve had to lose some widows because in the African factor and situation, widowhood is a very terrible thing that they always look out for pity. If they come and you give them rice, the day they come and you don’t give her rice, she will jump to another organisation. Widows are always going about for help. Widows do not know that they need to be empowered not only for feeding. My new agenda for 2018, is that it is about empowerment, not about food. Food will finish but empowerment will not end.
And some widows’ organisations, because they want to be in the limelight, will give 500 widows one Derica of rice each and prove they have helped them. No, they have not helped them, they have fed them. That’s why God’s wife is different. We are not about the feeding, we are about the continuous help. We have to go to all widows organisations in Nigeria, wherever they are in all the villages and empower them; mind empowerment and skills acquisition. When they have skill and their minds are empowered, they can be rich again. That’s the whole idea, the whole objective. The core content of our Ministry is to support other widows organisations.
TNE: There are a lot of not-too pleasant stories and experiences surrounding widowhood in Nigeria. What is widowhood truly like in Nigeria?
I’m still going through my own experiences. I have been accused of killing my husband. My in-laws recently called my children, they were waiting for seven years when they would understand, to tell them ‘it was your mother who killed your father. My son told them ‘thank you very much for the information, she’s still our mother.’ That’s a normal thing. And I’ve been deprived access to my property. Even with my position in the widowhood support world, I’ve had my fair share of all those stigmatisations and oppressions and that has built me to be able to understand widows more. That if I’m going through this, they too are going through same.
There’s a widow in Ibadan now who has 120 widows she takes care of every month. She was given June 30, to leave her husband’s house. We are on the matter. She had to vacate that place where they want to remove her while we are pursuing the case. We had to rehabilitate her somewhere. Widowhood in Nigeria is terrible. The man who lost his wife can have a woman anytime he wants. But the widow, even after one year, she’s seen with a man, there’s something around that; why is she with a man.
One of my brothers-in-law took pictures of a man who visited me and started posting it to everybody in the family that a man came to their brother’s house. Why won’t a man visit me? Why wouldn’t I move on, in my house. They still call the place matrimonial but my house is no longer matrimonial because there’s no husband there. I have a right to have friends who are male, but the world doesn’t see it. The world wants the woman to wait while the man goes on. The world wants the woman’s world to stand and remain stagnant there. They don’t want her to move but we want to sensitize widows that they should not be stagnant. You don’t have to lose your husband at 35 and remain single at 65, that’s a wastage of life. Even if you are not remarrying, move on with a relationship. You can have a companion. We need to instil that.
I teach what I’m doing. I have moved on in a relationship. I need somebody who will talk to me, cheer me, tell me ‘oh you’re looking good.’ If that doesn’t happen in a widow’s life in a space of 10 -15 years that she lost her husband, then there’s something missing somewhere. I thank God I have children who are supportive, who are telling me everyday ‘mum you need somebody to talk to, we are old, we don’t have time.’ That’s a family that tells each other the truth. Most of the widows in Nigeria and Africa don’t tell themselves the truth.
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TNE: How have the widows received your message?
Some of them were happy to hear it, that somebody is encouraging them to move on. Some said their pastors in their churches told them that Jesus is the husband of widows. Jesus didn’t get married when he was here, so he can’t marry them. It’s only God that said “I will be the husband of the widow.” But God did not say that a widow’s life should not move on because he calls himself the husband of the widow. People misinterpret the word of God. A man of God about 80 years old, visited me once with his wife and they said to me; ‘Olori, stop crying, don’t think of having anybody, you’re okay the way you are.’ And I said ‘oh is that why two of you visited me as a couple and you are telling me I’m okay? I’m not okay as a single person. I need a life.’ People misinterpret the word of God. What God did not say, they say he said so.
So, Jesus cannot be the husband of the widow because he didn’t marry before and he will not marry now. But he will spiritually stand as the supporter of the widow. He didn’t say he wants to compete with a man here about a widow.
TNE: How long were you married before you lost your husband?
We were together for 20 years. For me, it was short but his memory is sweet in my head.
TNE: Where do you see your foundation in future and what do you hope to see for widows in future?
My Foundation, first of all, is going to work with widows organisations. When we make money from donations, we want to use it to help other widows organisations that are in the grass root areas who are managing to survive. That’s what God’s Wife is for. We want to go there and bless them with resources. We want them to be able do things they have not been able to do. We want to raise help for other widows organisations, we already have help, we want to now share support to other widows organisations. That’s what we are for.
For the widows, I hope the insensitivity will be reduced and the brainwashing of widows that they cannot do well. They can do better than before. They had skills before their husbands died. They shouldn’t bury the skills. They should continue living with the skills. They shouldn’t see themselves as disabled. It’s only in the mind that they are disabled. If they work, they will make money, if they learn things, they can work with it. I don’t want widows to see themselves as beggars. Ninety five percent (95%) of widows in Nigeria go around begging and wearing rags so that people can pity them. They should not do that. We want them to wear their beautiful clothes. Let people see light in them. God already put light in them, they shouldn’t dim the light. The death of a man should not make you a recluse. You should move forward and let people know that your light continues to shine and not to be ashamed of your status. I’m not ashamed that I’m a widow. It is not a crime.
TNE: In all the stories told about widowhood practices, it is women who mete out most of the inhuman acts on widows. Why is it that women would agree to do such things to their fellow women?
It’s the traditional mindset. Men do not use men to make women suffer. They call their wives; ‘it’s time to punish that widow, All of you go and sweep her out. It’s a traditional malfunctioning mentality, a stupid culture and the women that are doing, the day their time comes, other women will do it to them. Why don’t women think and say ‘no, women will not be nasty to women. They should have that in their mind, because time will come for them also.
TNE: Have you considered sensitising the women on this?
I have articles I’ve written about wives; ‘Wives be careful your day is coming’ and ‘married men be careful how you treat your brother’s widow, your day is coming,’ and God will kill the men who are not nice to widows. Psalm 109 is enough, Exodus 22: 22-24, is enough. Psalm 109 is terrible. Anyone who reads it should be nice to widows because there is a curse on whoever maltreats the widow.
TNE: Can you share a bit of your marriage experience before your husband passed?
I met my husband as a doctor. I was sick and I was introduced to him. He treated me and later he became my husband. He was 27 years older than me and divorced. But, I had the best marriage in the world. I married the best man in the world who treated me like a child, who pampered me. It was wonderful, so when he died, I thought my world would crash finally. But then he taught me something; he taught me to always raise my head, anytime, anywhere. Whenever I remember what he said ‘my darling raise your head,’ I’m strengthened. In widowhood, I’ve raised my head. Life was beautiful before, it is still beautiful. I have my pains, I have in-law problems, but God has raised me above those levels and I’m surviving it. A widow needs to survive.
